Drastic Explosives

By: Jonathan Jones 07/05/2012

I like to think I’m a man of simple means. Little pleasures make me happy more often than not, and I try to live each and every day with as much gratitude as anyone. That being said, I can’t for the life of me comprehend why so many people get so excited to see fireworks on the 4^th of July.

I mean, what’s the big deal? Loud booms and lights for an hour? That’s IT? I remember seeing them as a kid and thinking it was stupid then. Maybe the first few are kind of neat, but after those it’s the same thing over and over again until the finale. Then it’s over. Yawn. I just don’t get it.

I guess I’m the oddball once again, as I know all kinds of adults who don’t consider it summer without taking in a live fireworks exhibition or six. Many even go as far as to travel around and take them in all over the place and comparison shop to see which ones they like the most. Huh?

Aren’t they all pretty much the same? To me they totally are, but what do I know? Apparently not very much. I think soccer is stupid too, but that’s the most popular spectator sport worldwide. In America its NASCAR - another activity I find to be a waste of time. If I want to see hillbillies turn left for three hours, I refuse to pay $150 for a ticket to see it. I can see it for free in Indiana.

I can see a lot of things in Indiana that aren’t on my list of favorite pastimes ranging from mud pit tractor pulls to Ku Klux Klan headquarters. I don’t know what it is about that state, but those of us from Illinois and Wisconsin can all agree at least we’re glad we don’t have to live in Gary.

Is it mere coincidence that Indiana is where the sale and use of fireworks are completely legal? I’m not exactly sure putting live explosives into the hands of boozed up Hoosiers is such a bright idea, or any other state for that matter. Some laws are for our own good, and that’s one of them.

Leave the blowing up of explosives to professionals please. If you do choose to host a fireworks display, leave the alcohol alone. How many fingers have been blown off by drunken idiots in flip flops that have used their cigarette to light an M-80, then not been able to throw it fast enough?

I don’t mean to be cruel, but this is nature’s way of if not weeding out the stupid at very least marking them for the rest of the population as a warning signal to stay away. Anyone who has a few digits missing and looks like they just got off second shift at a carnival is not someone I trust to refinance my home or perform delicate surgery on a loved one. It helps to simplify the search.

I don’t claim to have all the answers, or even a few. I don’t claim to be perfect either, but I like to think I’ve acquired a little more sophisticated taste than sitting on a blanket in some park with tens of thousands of others who are like cheese on crackers for mosquitoes to have a giant feast.

The nearest bathroom is always several blocks away, and it’s a Port-O-Potty with a line of 200 kids in front of it who have been eating watermelon and drinking Pepsi the entire day. That’s just not my idea of fun, but if you like it have at it. This is America, and we have freedom to choose.